There were times that I wanted nothing more than to stop living, end my life, I hated the life I had.
I learned so much because of it. The first thing I learned was that suicide was not the answer, their problems weren’t mine, for me not to trust everyone, and Did nothing wrong. I have learned to speak to kids and let them know they do not have to suffer these things. They can tell someone that can help them.
Emergency; Dial 911
Let my story be a big lesson on what happens when you don’t tell someone.
I remember questioning myself, questions such as the following,
- why do they hit you so much
- what did you do wrong?
- why do they hate you?
- why don’t you just die?
- do you want to live somewhere else?
- Why does your mom hit you so bad?
- does my mom love me?
- why don’t they believe me?”
- Why don’t you hit my brothers and sister?
- I answered that one “because they are special”
Just because they threaten you not to tell. Tell anyway someone you trust somewhat will help you. I promise
, knowing the truth
I honestly didn’t know that their dad was not my dad. (Didn’t know my birth name until At the age of 18) but he wasn’t and he had 2 kids of his own, a son who was my brother he lived with us and a daughter who lived with grandma, steps they said, later, but I never knew steps I only knew my sister lived with grandma because she did have another mom. His son lived with us and my sister lived with grandma. She was five when grandma got sick and passed away.
My parents brought my sister home she cried a lot for grandma. She would yell and ask her why did she leave her.
My parents made her sleep with my little sister and my little sister peed the bed every night, my mom knew that when they made them share the bed, in the morning my mom would check the mattress and it was wet, my new sister would get hit for it and made to go to school like that. She would ask if she could take a bath, my mom wouldn’t let her. My dad would be gone to work before we woke up for school. He didn’t know what my mom was doing.2
My sister started smelling like pee and would get bullied at school. I would tell them, kids, to leave her alone, but At the age of also being bullied at school.
My sister and I became close, we were always told we were hated, mom would tell my sister you look like your F___ing mother you look like a (change) monkey son of a bitch and she would tell me At the age of ugly and fat and nobody was ever going to like me.
Learning to cook
By the time my sister and I were eight years old we knew how to cook everything my mom knew how to cook. We learned how to make flour tortillas round and fluffy, it wasn’t easy with some trial and error we learned but when we made an error we had to eat the whole ball of masa (dough), I know I ate three balls of dough (big balls). Every other day for dinner I am had to make five to six dozen tortillas. Every other day was my turn the same for my sister.
My sister and I learned to cook everything my mom knew. She started going out every afternoon and we had better have dinner on the table by 5:00 by the time Dad came home he mostly got home no later than 5:10 mom would walk in a couple of minutes before him. She did that for about 7 months, she began taking my brother with her, Never knew, where she was going.
I found out later she was having an affair with a family friend and her sister was having an affair with my brother. I guess being her stepson it was OK that he was with her sister. Never knew why they left all the time. Didn’t find that out till At the age of 10 or 11. She told me if I ever told anyone I would be so sorry she said “I’ll make sure you never talk again. So I just kept quiet, At the age of afraid of my mom.
I left home when At the age of 11
At eleven, I left home. To me, I ran away my mom seen me a couple of times she just turned her head and looked the other way. I would go hide cause I thought she was looking for me and would take me home, but she wasn’t looking for me nor did she report me missing she didn’t care. What the heck I already knew that. First I stayed with my cousin for a couple of nights. Didn’t want her to get in trouble, my mom was mean. But like I said she didn’t look for me, I could have stayed anywhere it would not have mattered to her.
Staying with a friend
I ended up staying with a friend. It was her and her mom, dad, and two little brothers. She had a brother Didn’t know about him, he stayed with another sister. One day he went to the house, he saw me, by this time I am 12 years old. He didn’t ask me and Didn’t tell him my age. He started talking to me he asked me about my boyfriend Don’t him I don’t have one. Later he left to his sisters where he was staying. He started coming every day to his mom’s. The following week he moved back into his parent’s home where At the age of staying with my friend.
Two weeks later he’s my boyfriend he’s 19 years old and I’m twelve just turned 12.
We argued in august at which time I went home. Grandpa was there so I felt safe going back.
My mom put me back in school, At the age of 7th grade.
My clothes were not fitting me.
Taken to the health department
One day my mom kept me home from school she said she needed me and afterward, we could go get a burger at Dee’s burgers but that’s not what happened. She took me to the health department. We went in there and I sat down, she let them know we were there. A few minutes later a nurse came and handed me a cup and told me to pee in it, I asked her for what? She said a test. Did and then we waited. She came and took us back she weighed me took my blood pressure. I asked her why she was doing all of this. She said because you are pregnant. I replied, but I have a period. For 6 months of my pregnancy, I had a period.
Belt marks over my body, arms, legs, and face
We got home my mom beat me with the belt over and over Don’t her to stop she just kept hitting me At the age of in a ball trying to cover my stomach she finally stopped hitting me with the belt. She grabbed me by the hair and kicked me on my back and my side she said she would kill my baby. She called me a whore told me Didn’t know who my baby’s father was. You’re nothing but a whore and that’s all you’ll ever be. Nobody is ever going to love you. Your ugly your a fat-ass stupid bitch.
I finally got away from her and went into my grandpa’s room he couldn’t hear very well, so he heard nothing. But he saw my face my arms and legs, I had belt marks all over me even on my face. He was so angry with my mom.
At the age of afraid that she would kill my baby or maybe both of us.
I went back to my baby’s grandma’s house and stayed another month or so with him. It was getting close for my baby to be born. I went home and stayed in my grandpa’s room for about 3 days she didn’t know At the age of there. Then my little sister went into grandpas room and saw me. I begged her not to tell my mom the first thing she did, she ran and told my mom. But grandpa was not going to let her hurt me again.
The night I went into labor
The night I went into labor mom didn’t want to help me get to the hospital, my stepdad convinced her. She said so many hurtful things to me on the way to the hospital, but, Didn’t care anymore what she could say to me. It didn’t matter to me because soon I would have this little person I could love forever and would love me back.
It seemed like At the age of in labor for hours, 22 hours to be exact. I had the most beautiful little girl, she was perfect, her little fingers held my finger. Her little mouth clutched onto my boob, I held and kissed her. She was mine, I named her Sandra Patricia. At the age of ecstatic with my baby, she was tiny. She weighed 6 pounds, jet black curly hair with blk-brown eyes with long straight eyelashes. I called her dad he came to the hospital. He held her and just stared at her, with a big smile and tears in his eyes.
The promises he made were all lies
Boy, I sure was fooled by him. The promises he made to me were all lies. I believed when he told me he loved me he hugged me and I felt safe in his arms. I never would have thought that he would hurt me the way he did.
Just a little over 2 two weeks after my baby was born he got married. Didn’t know there was someone else in his life, I don’t know how long they knew each other Didn’t care. Hate came into me, I had to pay him back for what he did to me. Don’t know how Did it but Did it. A month after he got married, I married his best friend. I never had a conversation with tony the most I ever spoke with him was to say hi or bye when he was with my baby’s father.
15 years old with 4 kids and 2 divorces
January 10th we got married. I turned 13 on February 6th. In October, I had a son. The following October, I had identical twin girls. At the age of 14. At the age of pregnant when we divorced. Remarried about a month after my twins were born and divorced about 6 months later. What was I am going to do I’m 15 with four kids divorced twice? I believed my second husband when he said he was going to help me with my kids that he loved us and would take care of us. He was cheating on me too. After I turn 16 my son and my twins were taken from me by CPS. Not because of something Did wrong, well I chose to leave my brother babysitting.
not blaming anyone
I’m not going to blame anyone but myself. At the age of young and had choices to make, and I had to put my kids first. What did I have to offer them?
Here is what I came up with;
- my love
- a loving great grandfather
- a chance at life with two adult parent
- parents that had a home they could call home
What I could not offer them;
- a home? Didn’t have one I lived in a duplex before they were taken
- grandparents that cared
- not even my real name Didn’t know my real name till At the age of 18
I had to decide what I was going to do. I had no one I could ask to help me. Did ask my mom if she would help me. She laughed at me and told me no. I decided that my womb was used to give people a chance to be parents. the good thing was my grandpa and little sister kept Sandra, Tony was very jealous of her dad and let it be known.
Let my kids be adopted
I decided to let my kids be adopted. These innocent children deserved more than I could ever give them. I was heartbroken until this day it still hurts me. I loved them then and I love them now.
At the age of 16 back on the streets. The winos on 25th Street took me in they lived above a bar named ponchos. They became my family, they took care of me. By this time my mom had left my dad.
Cold and hungry
One day I was cold and hungry so I went home Don’t my grandpa I there and was going to get something to eat he said. OK. I ate and Don’t grandpa I was going to sleep on the sofa he said OK. I went and laid down and fell asleep.
Raped at knifepoint
Never in a million years, would I have expected what happened next. I awakened by someone on top of me with a knife to my throat pulling my pants down. He spoke, it was my dad, my stepdad he told me you give it to everyone else now you will give it to me. When he got off of me, he went to his room. Didn’t speak another word to me. I got up went to my sister’s room.
I was distraught shaking and crying, I could barely speak Don’t her what happened what dad had done to me. Don’t her going to leave but I was going to take his car. My sister said I’m going with you. Didn’t wake my grandpa he was sleeping and Sandra was sleeping next to him. I cleaned myself up before we left.
Awaken by policeman
I drove 32 miles, to salt lake city by the time all this happened it was early the next morning my sister and I stayed in the car for a long time she told me she was scared and hungry. Let her take the car back I stayed at the park, there were dugouts. The first night I stayed the first night I slept there At the age of OK the second night At the age of awakened by a policeman who asked me, what am I doing there? Told him sleeping he then asked me, what is your name? I answered him I don’t know he asked me, where do you live? I don’t know. He asked me, are you OK? yes, I answered. Again he asked me, what is your name? Again I said I don’t know. He said he was taking me to the juvenile hall until I remembered. I liked it there, I had a place to live, food to eat no one was going to hurt me there. When I told them I didn’t know my name, I did not know I not lying to them. I didn’t know my name. Four babies’ birth certificates can’t lie. They were all signed by the name I knew.